In a world bursting with suited men who legitimately scare me, being tall and standing in the woods doesn’t cut it anymore. He’s mostly “hidden” in fog and distance until the end where he’s pathetically exposed and looks laughable. With a short runtime, they can squeeze more showings in per day and leech as much money from innocent PG-13 moviegoers before word gets out that it’s a cinematic tumour that needs exterminating.Īs for Slender Man himself, I mean I suppose he looks fine. It’s very apparent that they kept this movie to 90 minutes just so they could smuggle it into cinemas as ‘technically feature length’. I feel like I repeat myself every time I review a horror film but I’ll say it again for the people in the back: Being. You see every “scare” coming so far ahead that you have time to plan your toilet breaks around them. Six seconds of silence followed by a quick cut/motion and a cacophonous sound cue. Better that than spending your hard earned cash on this cynical monstrosity. Imagine every boring, paint-by-numbers, creatively-bankrupt “horror” film you’ve ever seen and watch them again. It features a cast of twenty-somethings poorly acting as teenagers who are attempting to save their friend from a creepypasta and DeviantArt mascot. Slender Man is a steaming pile of hot garbage masquerading as a half-hearted cash grab to capitalise on a meme from half a decade ago.
For your viewing pleasure, the most anticipated video game movie of 2013.